Internal conflict
It's a Tuesday morning, I am running late for a final exam. I had stayed up all night preparing for it since Monday evening. Towards the early hours of Tuesday morning, close to about sunset, mental fatigue started to get the better of me. I caved in and considered taking a power nap since at this point, I could not absorb any more information. I remember closing my eyes and laying down, then springing up at half past eight. My exam was at nine o'clock, and commuting to the venue of the exam would take me an hour.
If ever there was a case of self sabotage in my life, I was convinced that this was it. All the questions were going through my mind about how I got myself into this situation. I went through the twelve stages of grief in twelve minutes, due to the fact that I was running late and I was low on time. It was really one of those mornings that I couldn't wait for to end.
As I was convening with myself, I found it so tempting to call myself names or to belittle myself, because of the mistake I made. This really had me thinking about the tone I was going to use when talking to myself. In reality we can be so harsh to ourselves . If we spoke to our loved ones the way we talk to talk to ourselves at times. I wonder how badly we might hurt them, so how badly have we hurt ourselves with the comments we internally make about ourselves.
In that moment, as I was hoping traffic would clear before me like the red sea. I was not giving myself opportunities to talk unkindly of myself. Firstly, it would not have helped in changing the situation I was in, and it would have added to it, because now I would be adding other negative feeling, to whatever anxieties I might have already had. I resorted to taking myself lightly and having to laugh at myself in that situation.
We have to be kind to ourselves. In all situations, not just when we are feeling proud of ourselves. The ones that we spend the most time with are ourselves. I do not want any one of you to be spending your lives with a bully, who does nothing but bring up past mistakes and prey on insecurities. You are not your mistakes. Fast forward to that Tuesday afternoon, I was able to get to the exam, albeit, I was late. By the end of the day it was as though nothing had happened. What would have remained of it, if I had spoken harsh words to myself though?
We are told to love our enemies, and at times, I am my own enemy. I do the things I do not want to do, and the very things I ought to do I do not do. I still choose to love the cumbersome man that I can be at times. It takes intentional action to be kind and gracious to yourself. I pray you may choose kindness for yourself at all times even when in internal conflict.
“The ones that we spend the most time with are ourselves”, that statement truly opened my eyes. I will choose to be kind to myself everyday.
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