When in doubt

Practice makes perfect, those three words put together tend to hold water. I've learnt that it's never too late to get good at something. All you have to do is put in the time practicing. In my experience with tertiary education and, I guess, being an adult with a little bit of responsibilities to handle, I have had time to hone a skill. I have gotten pretty good at doubting myself. 

I spend a lot of time in my head, and in my head things tend to get grossly exaggerated. So when I am faced with a challenge, I don't hesitate to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Perhaps it is because an engineering background has made me a firm believer in Murphy's law. The law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. This principle does help one to plan thoroughly, at the same time, it leads one to concentrate on all the holes in your logic that can cause things to fall apart. 

Moving away from my hometown, and going away for university, has been such an educational experience. I have had more first time experiences than I can count in one hand. These experiences are  much to do with venturing into the unknown. Things are already uncertain as they are when you have knowledge about what is going on, when you take away that knowledge that can somewhat boost your confidence, some fear creeps in. 

A fear of what exactly? I remember in the second form during an English lesson, we were talking about fears. I wanted to sound knowledgeable, so I told the teacher that I had phobophobia, a fear of fear. I figured if I am afraid of being afraid that should make me brave right, to this answer my teacher retorted, that in actuality that was not bravery, but what she termed as the fear of life. Living life can mean putting yourself out in the dark and only hoping for the best. What we tend to fear isn't darkness, but rather not knowing what we will find in the darkness. 

I find myself in that place, where I put myself out there, oftentimes not really knowing what I am capable of doing. So this leaves me wondering if the next attempt I make at taking on a task will end in failure. This is especially the case when I feel like I'm in way over my head. That's when I turn into my own worst naysayer, or at times imposter syndrome takes over.

To overcome this, I learnt a lesson at the end of my teen years. I am not my achievements, nor am I my failures. If I merely identified myself as a list of achievements, conceit would easily become a companion. If I registered myself as a collective of failures, I would never be confident in anything. Both ends of this spectrum are plagued by doubt. The conceited person doubts out of a fear of ruining their record, whilst the loser has no hope whatsoever. 

It is liberating to be able to step out of this quagmire, by realising that you are far much more than how well you carry out a task. I learnt that my identity is in Christ and who He says that I am. I needn't to prove it because His words are true. Even when I look at my own abilities, I cannot truly say that I can do everything at a satisfactory level to say the least. I can rest assured as I shift the confidence from being in my own abilities, to being confident in God's limitless capabilities. This change in thinking and perspective really lifted the burden off my shoulders. 

It's not always easy to pick faith over fear. In this journey of life the path may not seem clear in some seasons, but God leads and illuminates the way when we follow His leading and look to His power. So when in doubt trust God.